Who Are You?
For a very long time, I didn’t know the answer to this question. I attempted to mold myself into whatever someone else wanted/needed even at the sake of my own feelings. Clearly, that’s not healthy. If you’ve read any of my previous posts, you’ll know that I’m apart of the cerebral crew (my background is in the social sciences) and over the past few years I’ve done a lot of work on my thoughts and mental health. It has definitely been tough, but my life has improved drastically because of it. I’ll go ahead and add a caveat here: this post will contain my religious beliefs (GASP....and then a side eye). As a believer in Jesus, I’ll admit that apart of my issue was never truly believing what the Bible says about me. Some of it was because I heard contrary things from people who were supposed to love and build me up. And some of it was because of consequences I experienced from poor decision making.
Recently my husband and I took time to watch shows we’ve been trying to see for months. It was so crazy that in both of them, a lot was centered around at least one of the main characters believing in themselves and their purpose. One of the scenes stuck with me because the “hero” was thrown out of training and told it was a disappointment for so many people to believe she was the one and she didn’t. She was informed that she wasn’t welcome back in training until she believed in herself. It’s amazing how much we settle for because of our lack of faith. I can recall countless situations that I should have walked away from, but because I didn’t really believe I deserved better I walked into foolishness. This was in jobs as well as various relationships. My life was on a cycle of rinse and repeat, but with different faces in different places. Imagine having $20.00 in your pocket and being hungry. To most people that doesn’t make any sense. While you’d think awareness would change the situation, that’s not always the case. I can think about how many times I knew I needed to leave a bad friendship or a toxic job, but stuck around because of the amount of time invested or not wanting to let someone else down. Yeah, that’s just dumb. I had the awareness that I could leave, but was stuck. I refuse to ever get back to that place now that I’m over the idea of lowering my best self. I get to decide my level of greatness because that’s what I was created to be and I get to determine how much effort I exert. I don’t have to accept a lack of reciprocity in friendships because I get to choose who I allow into my circle. I also get to set boundaries and to continually re-evaluate those I’ve already let into my life. Now that I know who I am, I can fully be the best version of me without trampling someone else to get to the top. Everyday I get to push myself into a mental space of positivity and belief that there’s nothing I can’t do if I’m willing to put in the work. This has opened my world to so many experiences I would not have encountered otherwise. Even when life doesn’t really align and I start feeling a little down, I have someone (the Holy Spirit...I should add here this is why faith is so important to me. I’m NEVER alone on this journey called life) to lean on that comes and reminds me of what I know but am losing sight of because of my current situation. I also have amazing people in my corner that will lift me up.
There was a time in my life that I thought I could do it all on my own. While there’s a lot I could accomplish alone, life wasn’t meant to be lived as an island. It is so much nicer to have someone to share in the wins and encourage in the losses. But the most important person I encounter is the one I look at in the mirror each and everyday. What she believes she will become. So I force the idea of really being able to accomplish things bigger than I’ve ever imagined or have no idea how to even do. I’ve chosen to think about time as an exchange and I understand that in order to make it have value I need to learn and then do work. I finally now believe what the Bible says about me, even when I’m falling short of actions that align with it (working on progression not perfection). Is there an area of your life you’ve found that you settled because of a lack of belief? What are you doing to change that or how did you overcome this?