The Recovering People Pleaser
In the past, I struggled greatly with the idea of someone being disappointed at me. I went hard trying to make others happy because of the feeling of accomplishment it brought me. However, in all of my working towards pleasing others I was leaving out one very important aspect: myself. The pursuit of making others happy negatively impacted the relationship I had with me and I was never able to truly appreciate “ME”. With that being said, I believe that overcoming this attribute was one of my biggest defeats in life up to this point.
Years ago, before marriage, I was in a relationship that this concept was showcased. In spite of the red flags, I allowed the bs I was being fed to justify them. One of my greatest flaws in people pleasing was loving hard and reckless. I didn’t make it a secret and he exposed every single inch of my vulnerability. I refuse to blame him for taking advantage of decisions I made, but the life lessons from that situation has mentally/emotionally propelled me. I gave everything I had to make him happy and you know what happened?!? It still wasn’t enough and he cheated on me. He was a master at gaslighting and I always second guessed myself. Because of that we went further and longer than we ever should have. Between that relationship and the relationship I had with my mom there was one glaring takeaway: I cannot make someone else happy no matter how hard I try! Happiness is an emotion and regardless of someone taking personal responsibility or not, each person is in control of his/her own emotions. I can only be a contributing factor…I’ve grown to be okay with that.
I am completely human and I will often fall short of someone else’s expectations. If I’m honest, I don’t always meet my own. The truth is, I’ve grown accustomed to monitoring my wins/losses against my goals and effort towards completion. I’ve invested in my idea of self worth and worthiness and have done a better job of establishing appropriate boundaries for anyone that is to come into my life as well as those that were already present. I won’t get into theology here, but none of us were put on Earth to make someone else happy. This statement, once accepted and lived out, contributes to a different level of freedom. I refuse to go back to the cage, but every now and again I find myself sliding back and I have to reel it in quickly. Do you have anything you’ve overcome that has helped you become a better you or live a better life? What is it?