Topic: Letting My Children Say No
This is NOT a concept I grew up with, but I’ve evolved into believing was necessary. I was raised to do whatever I was told and to ask questions or not comply was simply being disobedient. The problem is that method leans towards basically following orders instead of encouraging understanding and then gaining compliance. It’s so easy to say children will one day become adults, but if they aren’t provided opportunities to apply age appropriate adult concepts in a safe space, it makes the transition much more difficult.
When I got to college, I already had a plan to “wild out” because I was so restricted while living at home with my parents. That decision nearly costed me my scholarship and I had to go to summer school to ensure that didn’t happen. A costly lesson, but it stuck with me for the rest of my life: Allow for some freedom and sense of control in order to attempt to avoid overload when presented the opportunity. With that in mind, I’ve tried to become more open with introducing complex ideas and thinking earlier to my children. I’m encouraging them to learn and improve emotional intelligence as well as critical thinking skills. With this, I’ve also increased their knowledge in the power of words. So..here it comes: now they can say no to me. It’s crazy I know, but what I’ve discovered is they feel more open to speak with me about things because of this. I almost NEVER felt comfortable going to my mother with anything when I was younger. Asking questions lead to lectures or just (what seemed to me) unexplained anger so it was easier just to say nothing. Some fear is healthy in a parent/child relationship, but I want my children to feel comfortable to really grow and thrive in our household. My ultimate goal is that they have a greater sense of actions and consequences as well as being apply to appropriately respond to situations. If I ask them to do something for me and they don’t really desire to do it, I allow them to tell me no. Initially, I used to apply “manipulation tactics” to get them to become compliant. *I know folks don’t say manipulation, but if you attempt to get anyone to comply with a request by force or by statements involving future ramifications (my go to was “I’ll remember this when you want something later”) then you’re guilty*. The majority of the time I’m really am just being a tad bit lazy, but if they recognize I need an extra hand or have something going on they will usually help me. This brings about another concept that I try to incorporate in our lives: I ask them to do things versus telling them. There is a level to the amount of asking I’m willing to do and once I’ve asked for something to be done several times, they will get told to do it and how quickly it should be completed or consequences will be swift.
I know if I tell some people I do this with my children they will think I’m attempting to be their friend. That’s definitely not the case. I am the parent period, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have a friendly relationship. I want my kids to be well rounded emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally so that means I have a responsibility to present them with the information as well as allow the opportunities to apply it. What’s your thoughts on this? Is this something you’d be willing to do with your kids or do you currently do it?