Talk About it Tuesday

Kambeya girls

Today’s post is sharing a piece of me. It’s surrounding the idea of having girls. When I was younger, I dreamed of having a boy and a girl. I thought that I would get the chance to be a Pop Warner football mom and my daughter could do ballet. I had it all mapped out. The problem is..life doesn’t always happen the way we desire. Not only did I not get a boy, I got 3 girls. The truth is that I didn’t want girls because I remember my preteen and teenage years and I was quite rebellious. I never really considered why I acted the way I did because I only viewed the circumstances from one side. The truth is, having girls made me deal with a lot of the things I struggled with as a young girl.

I was very insecure from a very young age. I can’t really remember how young, but I’ve always felt a level of not being “good enough”. Of course these sentiments were spoken to me by someone that I thought should love me and it negatively impacted relationships far into adulthood. Eventually, I took ownership for my thoughts and feelings and I have a more positive outlook of Deann. I do have to remind myself sometimes, but I refuse to live a life less than just because of  what someone else thinks. Based on that, I know how hard it is having negative thoughts and I don’t want my kids to struggle with that same thing. I try to stress positivity on them with their thoughts and feelings. I remind them of what God’s word says about them even when they don’t behave according to what’s expected of them. While it doesn’t always seem to sink it, I’m sure they appreciate not being made to feel like terrible people because they’ve made a mistake. When they do things on purpose I have been so frustrated that I’ve told them they’re acting like jerks to one another, but I stress that their behaviors are the issue. Another area of trepidation is, no matter how much you tell someone something ultimately it’s his/her decision to make. I don’t want my daughters to make the stupid mistakes I’ve made. EVER!!! I know that life is a learning ground and they won’t get everything right, but some of the stuff I went through was self inflicted and I just don’t want them to feel that pain. What I’ve tried to do is be transparent. I’m making sure it’s age appropriate and the information is provided in a way that’s tangible for them, but I’m hoping that they can gain wisdom from the information. I encourage them often with applying what they’ve learned in their interactions with others to ensure they aren’t being manipulated or taken advantage of..but I know it’s a process. It’s just hard being a parent sometimes and I have no issues admitting it. 

Each time we got a chance to look at the screen during the gender sonogram, I felt my hopes of being a boy mom slip away. I was a little disappointed, but having healthy babies was more than enough for us. I will never regret having my children, but I do recognize how life would be different emotionally if I didn’t have the weight of those 3 little people on me. Because of that weight, I put in the work. While I make certain they understand we are NOT friends, our relationship should always be friendly and open. They don’t have to keep secrets or hide. I didn’t have this as an option and I’m hoping that there are some things we really can just talk about and figure out together versus them going down a dark hole alone. I’m present in spite of my own fears of failure and I’m learning not to allow what own wants, needs, and desires to become the goals of my children. I want them to embrace their uniqueness and individuality. While they may have my features, they aren’t me and I can’t expect them to be. Truthfully it’s easier said than done, but everyday I will continue to improve Deann so that they can get the best version of mommy. And I have to recognize that’s enough!

 Do you have any similar struggles to this?!?

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