Working or Staying at Home: Which is Harder?
This is a debate that I’ve never really understood. I can admit in my ignorance, I did feel that there were more advantages to staying at home when I was apart of the workforce. Now that I have a lens based on experience, my views have changed. I worked professionally for nearly 12 years and have been a stay at home mom for almost 3 years. Here’s the truth: both are hard as hell and in very different ways. In both scenarios the amount of work required to be successful is beyond what one person should probably have to contribute, but is required.
Working as a mother is hard. While I can admit that I enjoyed having time that I could focus on something other than my child (ren), I always had roaming thoughts about them throughout the workday. I was not a helicopter parent so I didn’t do the phone calls or anything like that, but I definitely rushed home to see them and I felt I needed to hug them all the time when I would get them. I recognize that not everyone experiences the same things, but I usually found myself completely worn after most workdays. While I wanted the hug and love on my kids, I had no desire to do anything physically interactive like playing or even doing bath time. I just wanted to decompress in silence and that was impossible. Most people take their commute time to do that, but my commutes were often times interrupted with work phone calls or my mind being occupied with a situation at work. Once home, trying to get everyone settled in and then figure out dinner was beyond what brain power I had. I did the best I could, but our eating wasn’t the best and I did the basic requirements to ensure that everyone stayed alive. Once dinner was completed and bath time was addressed, I literally just wanted to crawl in bed from exhaustion. I forgot to mention that the hubby and I were heavily involved in our church’s ministry and as leaders there were expectations of providing everyone things required prior to rehearsals. Add in ballet for the oldest and I was a wreck. My physical health was up and down and my mental health wasn’t great either. Guess what... all of this was going on while I was working as a therapist. I recognize that occupation plays heavily into my personal situation, but the truth is if you work there are just some things you aren’t going to be able to do. I was fortunate to have a job willing to work with my needs in regards to scheduling for medical appointments and other various things, but because the nature of my job I didn’t want to take a lot of time away from work. I can not explain the amount of guilt I felt. Guilt because: I poured so much into work I was empty when I got home, I missed moments from my children growing up because I was at work, I didn’t have a house I was proud of because it wasn’t clean, and the list goes on.
I used to sit at my desk and make promises to myself of things I would do if I ever had the chance to be a stay at home mom. At the beginning of the journey, it was rough. I lost my entire support system due to us relocating to Texas and I had a 4 week old alongside two young toddlers. I also had to get accustomed to the heat as well as learn our new surroundings. I hated not having one moment I could be away from the kids and I also still didn’t have any energy to enjoy being home with the kids. After getting my health and my mind right (this took nearly two years), I was able to find a groove. I was able to volunteer at the girls’ school (one of the best experiences ever), I started doing a little better with keeping the house clean (but it was still a struggle), and I felt that I was able to have a better relationship with my family. It didn’t come without guilt though. While it wasn’t directly spoken to me, it was hard to deal with the lack of familial support with being at home with the kids while having two degrees “going to waste” (not my words but those of someone very close to me). I also felt guilty for no longer being able to financially contribute to the household. There were moments that money was tight and I felt like I could be adding to the pot versus just staying at home. The truth is, once we factored in the costs of childcare and everything else that would be needed in order to consider a job it wasn’t worth it. I now have become better with managing my time with cleaning, finding time to enjoy crafting, cooking, enjoying fun times with all the family, and creating content for my blog. I never dreamed this was possible, but clearly I was thinking too small and by just pulling up my sleeves I’m becoming more productive and I’m happier.
While you ultimately have to decide what works for you and your family, don’t allow money to be the only determining factor. While money is very helpful and needed, it doesn’t guarantee a happy household or you being happy. I worked all the time and honestly we didn’t have money to go on vacations like we wanted or to improve our home. This is a choose your hard type scenario. Working and feeling like you’re coming up short can happen as well as staying home and feeling like nothing more than a full time maid. I’ve been in both situations and have definitely felt both of those emotions. It would be awesome if we could just accept that we only need to worry about our situation, circumstances, and accept the choices of others (I chose not to say support because some folks make bad decisions). I’m grateful for the gift of staying at home and have been able to really tackle that list of things I said I’d do if I had the chance which has made this journey even more valuable to me.
Where do you fall in this debate?