Worth it Wednesday

Marriage

This week I figured I would try a little different topic so here it goes: Marriage

Initial Thoughts: It was going to be amazing. Of course I wasn’t desensitized to the idea that there would be bumps in the road, but I have always believed it was til death do us part. I knew I wanted a man just like my daddy (I think the world of him, but now my rose colored glasses have become much more realistic) and that we would have the perfect family.

How it’s Going: We made it to 11 years on March 6, 2021! That’s definitely a reason to celebrate, but the truth of the matter is that marriage is work. It’s two people making a daily decision to work towards the common goal of “being one.” Whether you marry your best friend or not, you have to recognize that disagreements will arise. I would over think arguments and somehow in my mind we would end up divorced because they were so heated. What was really going on: we both had a lot of growing to do in regards to communication. Over the years of our relationship, we’ve worked on us as well as ourselves as individuals. While I can’t be for certain, I feel that all of the individual work I’ve put in has had the most positive impact on my feelings in regards to our marriage. Being transparent, I wanted marriage to fill some emptiness within me that it was never designed for. That led to bitterness, resentment, and generally being unfulfilled. That was a personal problem that only I could resolve. Luckily, I married well! Having a supportive partner that cheers you on even when you’re at your lowest point makes a huge difference. I’ll never forget how much he loved me and still made me feel desired when I was struggling with my weight. I’ll never really be able to put into words how much I appreciated the words he said and the support he gave me. 

Here are a few points to consider when choosing a spouse:

- This is an imperfect person (no matter how amazing they seem in the beginning). Be sure to give grace when needed, but DO NOT ignore red flags. 

- Write down what you desire in a mate and weed out trivial things. Be firm on your non-negotiables prior to dating so you don’t have to keep going deeper than necessary. Some things you can tell by just phone conversations and others through spending time in public. Don’t allow the feelings of fun and not being alone to dictate you compromising on what you want.

- Choose wisely!!! Your life will be a result of the decision you make so you need something more than good looks and good conversation. How are they with their money? How are they working towards completing their personal goals/what goals have they completed? Do they desire children? Can they help you become better? Do they really want to be married?

- There’s no time frame for dating, but make certain you allow yourself enough time to explore this person in various scenarios. We were engaged by month 6 and married after meeting a little over one year, bu that is not going to be everyone’s story. I listened to the words he said and I watched to make certain that his actions aligned with that. Don’t put an amount of time on how long you have to date because that’s what you’ve been told or you read in a magazine....just don’t be foolish and dive in without having all the information that it’s a pool. I’ve watched so many people be in relationships longer than I’ve been married and they don’t have a ton to show for that lengthy relationship. I personally would not be willing to be with someone 5 years and not having their last name (But that’s a personal decision and I don’t put that on anyone else)

- Answer this question: If this person doesn’t change, could I spend forever with them just like this? Create no expectations in regards to growth and development to avoid disappointments. Be okay with recognizing you want more and leaving a situation that can’t offer you that. This is the exact situation when someone shows you who they are believe it and make your decision based on what you currently see. You don’t have to be the hero and save anyone.

Is it Worth it: While I know that there are definitely circumstances that change and create unbearable situations and/or situations that aren’t conducive for healthy relationships, for the most part I will whole heartedly say YES! I’d marry my husband all over again and hopefully one day we can do another ceremony in Bora Bora or some other exotic island. I won’t pretend that everyday is sunshine, but I would rather fight through the rain and mud with him than without him. Just keep in mind that marriage and a wedding aren’t the same thing and focus on what’s most important while enjoying the journey of getting there. 

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