emotional intelligence

Living in the “Then What”…

deann — Tue, 19 Sep 2023 08:34:00 +0000

Living in the “Then What”…

From a very young age, I planned out my life. I knew I didn’t want to live in my hometown, I knew I wanted to be married with kids, and I knew I wanted a house by 25. I had at least these three figured out by middle school and would proudly share all of that with my family members as often as I could. There are many days my adult self envies that little girl. Each of those things she desired, she accomplished. Unfortunately in college, everything started becoming a little less clear. I eventually ended up with two degrees and a 12 year career in a field that wasn’t apart of my “plan”

Since my youngest has started school, I can’t recall how many times I’ve been asked when I’m going back to work. My answer is usually always the same: NEVER (Let me pause and shoutout my husband for pushing me into this mindset). I haven’t worked in a “regular job” since 2012 when I discovered the world of contract work and working from home, but I also am not interested in going back into the therapy/social services world. After most people heard me say never the next question was, “then what are you going to do?” Initially, I can admit I had no idea. I would laugh it off, but being in my late 30s and not having a plan for my life outside of wife and mom wasn’t something I could stay satisfied with. It wasn’t until the lockdown that I was able to find something I was passionate about. Currently, I’m focused on building my business in interior decorating while attempting to explore options of possibly finding ways to incorporate utilizing my degree. I don’t have another option and I’ve giving this everything I have. Even if this doesn’t work out, I refuse to be lead by fear of “what if”. So this season is riding the grateful train and making the most of the opportunities I’m given.

My life doesn’t look like the one I dreamed about as a little girl, but I can admit that I didn’t even know this type of life was possible. Me not getting the life I wanted has been the best thing that ever happened to me. I would love to hear other stories of experiencing something similar to this as well as what you did. And for the person currently experiencing this and struggling: Life happens and things don’t always work out as planned, but I want to encourage you to put one foot in the other and just commit to being the best version of you even if you don’t really have an idea of what’s next.

deann Tue, 09/19/2023 - 08:34

emotional intelligence

health and wellness

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Adulting

Life

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It’s You

deann — Fri, 08 Sep 2023 08:15:00 +0000

It’s You

I’ll go ahead and start with the punch line: If your life sucks it’s time to look at the person in the mirror. I know this isn’t easy to digest, but after all the work I’ve been doing to grow myself mentally and emotionally I realized that it always came back to that point. It was me and it’s highly likely the issue is you. There is nothing in the past or currently that is in my life that I didn’t have a hand in. Thankfully, I’m in recovery and I want to share what I’ve been doing and what’s been helping me get over the slump.

1. Change your thoughts- Life is life. Bad things can happen to good people and vice versa. I expect life to be life. While I’m maintaining my integrity of trying to always do right by myself and others, I recognize that bad things can and will still happen. It’s okay if things don’t always go my way, but that shouldn’t deter me from being me. I have put so much time and effort in investing in me being unwavering in spite of what happens around me. This does NOT happen having unstable messages in your ear constantly and seeing instability often. We are more likely to become what we are around versus us changing our environment. You have to immerse yourself in where you desire your mindset to be even if it’s not where you currently are.

2. Change your circle- This is probably the hardest. Most of the changes in my circle were out of necessity. Relocation makes that easy. Since moving to Texas, I’ve had the pleasure of getting to know a few people but I didn’t have any friends. Once I realized I needed it and wanted it, I started praying for it. I’m not exactly sure how it happened the way it did, but I’ve reaped the benefits of having others in my life to offer me a different perspective while encouraging and pushing me to be my best self. These aren’t friendships because our kids are friends, we work together, or we have everything in common. Our group consists of people that understand reciprocity and don’t come to the table empty handed. Being around the right people will aid you in being able to see your value as well as offer value in return.

3. Quit making poor decisions- I’m not in my 20s or 30s anymore. I don’t live on the edge like I used to because I understand that the weight of the consequences is much greater. Now that I’m back working out I recognize that if I sustain an injury it’s not going to heal as fast as in the past, so I take precautions with more stretching and proper weightlifting technique. The same way I attempt to avoid being hurt is how I treat life. I take precautions with the people I’m willing to be around for extended periods of time, who has access to me (friendships/associations), where I’m willing to go, and what I’m willing to do. I don’t allow things that don’t align with my personal beliefs to have unlimited access to me. While I can’t control everything, I intentionally make sure the things I can control happen.

4. Quit making excuses- For a while, I lived here. One of the reasons why chose our new home was because it offered us a space with a home gym. We were over the garage gym life after a few Texas summers. Fast forward and after being in the house for a few months I got more serious with getting my business started. Starting a business is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and I still have so much to learn and do. However, that was and still isn’t reason enough for me not to take my health seriously. It took me getting on a scale again to realize how much I was failing myself. There are things outside of me that grind my gears, but there is nothing like the realization of your own self sabotaging behaviors. So now, I’m being a better time manager and getting the things done.

At this point in my life I’m not seeking to be “smart”, I’m actively pursuing wisdom. I want to get good, knowledgeable information and apply it to my life so that I can present the best me to myself and others. I get excited just thinking about the future me. But I can say today without hesitation that I like me a lot, and the things I don’t really care for I’m working on changing consistently. What areas of your life are you trying to work on/improve? You can do it!!

deann Fri, 09/08/2023 - 08:15

emotional intelligence

Personal accountability

Accountability

No excuses

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You spoke volumes with the change your circle and make better decisions. Those two are a struggle for me and praying through it but this made me self reflect and rethink some things!!

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Capacity

deann — Wed, 16 Aug 2023 16:26:58 +0000

Capacity

Last week, I encountered one of the worst things that could happen to someone. My gmail could no longer receive emails because the storage was full. Google was more than happy to keep sending messages about being able to purchase more storage. I immediately went into delete mode. The problem was those files didn’t account for the majority of what was taking up space. If you’re like me…it’s pictures! I also had some large files taking up space. After spending so much time deleting, this lightbulb moment happened:

- It’s not that you don’t have have capacity, you just don’t have any space because its filled up with things that no longer serve you purpose.

While this initially was just for my email account, I immediately was able to recognize how this concept was true for my heart and mind as well. Several of the large files I deleted were from jobs I had from 2012 and before (I know…this should have been gone after I left) and pictures that were multiples, accidents, and/or different poses of the same moment. The reality is things I never planned on going back to, including the pictures, were causing me issues currently. Too often today’s issues are from past actions. Just like my gmail account, if you aren’t willing to do the work and get rid of unnecessary things then expect to pay the cost if you still want access. And so this is my CTA (Call To Action) for you, take some time and evaluate things you’ve been prioritizing. Are they really the priority? Start taking steps to appropriately arrange things in your life and putting each thing in its place…even if that’s the trash.

deann Wed, 08/16/2023 - 16:26

Capacity

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Talk About it Tuesday

deann — Tue, 23 Mar 2021 01:18:44 +0000

Talk About it Tuesday

What You’re Really Owed: Nothing

Last week I had different friends posting about various topics and one posted about apology language (a spin off of the 5 Love Languages) and another posted something polar opposite in regards to you not being able to tell anyone how to love you, but allowing them to show you their level of ability and you deciding if you want to participate or not. Both of these got me into my head for a while and I just wanted to share some of those thoughts.

One of the things that I’ve heard every since I was younger that the world owed me nothing and anything I wanted I needed to work for. It’s so interesting that this is something that was pushed very hard, but emotions seemed to be one of those things that was never considered. Being young, I used to believe in the idea of reciprocity (and I still do to a certain extent) but there’s definitely a limit on this. We gladly share the golden rule and there’s almost a level of expectation that you’ll get back the same respect and courtesy you give. Unfortunately life and people teach us differently and we alter our perceptions. While some become cynical and feel as though the other person determines the types of interactions they’ll have, many people just learned to create boundaries and separate tolerable from toxic. I’m in the second group for sure. We get to choose who we allow to be in our lives regardless of the level of the relationship. I realized that regardless of how much I try to demonstrate love and kindness, I can’t make someone give me that in return. I have matured enough to recognize that regardless of how anyone acts towards me, I don’t have to return that same energy because I get to control my responses and my feelings. (I’m aware that not everyone is at this point, but emotional intelligence is just one of those things you have to research and learn in order to just be a better person period). I am responsible for every seed I sow into the ground and I should expect a harvest back from those seeds. I choose to avoid negativity and toxicity because I choose me over people. Sounds selfish, but I’ll be that if that means I can maintain my peace.

I absolutely have come to the realization that no one owes me anything even a relationship. My life has become so simple now that I accept what people are willing to give and create boundaries based on what I’m willing to accept. As Lauryn Hill sang, it could all be so simple..but you’d rather make it hard. Choosing to allow others to be their “authentic self” while staying true to you is the easiest choice. While I’m not as close to people who really mean a lot to me (and no I don’t really do the whole cutting off thing...we can be acquaintances beyond social media without being besties), I have an amazing circle that is super supportive and I know they won’t flake on me. I will appreciate every ounce of those that are present without faulting the ones who failed me because of ...?!? Let’s stop making people feel bad because maybe they aren’t as emotionally intelligent or mature as us. We’ve all had moments where we didn’t put our best foot forward. Just remember, you have to live with the decisions you make. I’d love to know your thoughts on this subject specifically regarding relationships and reciprocity.

deann Tue, 03/23/2021 - 01:18

relationships

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Talk About it Tuesday

deann — Tue, 02 Mar 2021 20:36:35 +0000

Talk About it Tuesday

The Box Mentality: Be it Unto You According To Your Faith

If you read the Bible, you know that last part is a scripture. However, whether you’re a believer or not you can benefit from recognizing the power of what you believe. For the majority of my life, I had huge plans. I knew I always wanted to leave the little town I was born and raised (Shout out to Beech Island, SC) as well as own a home before 25. Those are just two things that anyone close to me knew, but I had big goals and basically dared the world to try and stop me. The truth is, the box mentality did more than it’s fair share of jabs to my dreams. What exactly is that? It’s the belief that there’s only so far you can go and that life has boundaries.

My father comes from a different space and time, but he definitely believes in a household that both parents participate financially. It’s funny that he feels that way when his mother didn’t work for most of his life, but his views changed and he thinks that both parties should contribute to the money flowing into the house. If we’re honest, the only reason he feels this way about my situation is because he helped pay for my degrees. While I did have several scholarships for undergrad, my Master’s degree was completely out of pocket and my parents didn’t want me to have student loan debt (I will forever be grateful for that btw) so they paid out of pocket. I suppose there’s an expectation that all that education won’t “go to waste.” What he fails to realize is that I emotionally had to address those same feelings and more when I fully stepped into the role of being a stay at home. Now that I’m emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually healthy I absolutely wouldn’t trade this for anything in the world. See I’m becoming more cognizant of the idea that if I work hard and fully put myself into this blog and eventually my YouTube channel (I’m speaking life into it now), I can create a space that I don’t need to go back to a 9-5 that I retire from after 30 years. There is absolutely nothing wrong with going to a job and doing that, but prior to me leaving the workforce I was no longer in that type of position and I was working various contracts as well as adjunct teaching. I realize that I want to be rewarded for all the hard work I do versus making someone else a lot more than they are willing to give me. I don’t regret my educational experiences and I absolutely know that they will come into play in some of my future endeavors, but for now I’m focusing on being at home with my kids and being available without having to consider if I have enough leave or having to miss something because of working late. *Back to what I was saying about my father*...he has a small box that he has created and for a long time that box was what I tried to live in. I wanted to make him happy and proud and I knew this was apart of the package. The problem is that when you’re exposed to more and you learn there’s more out there you desire that. This basically means a lot of unfamiliar territory and people aren’t fans of that. You will often hear things like “is that going to pay enough money” or “does it have insurance”. Basic stuff that of course if you’re smart you’ve considered, but definitely not the only things you’re willing to consider. What most people fail to realize is there’s nothing that’s guaranteed regardless of where you’re employed. Employers will let you go after 15 years without a second thought (even if you’re a great worker) if you being on the team negatively impacts the bottom line. Life is absolutely too short to live “safe” inside of someone else’s box. I can’t predict the future, but I know that the life I imagine me having doesn’t involve being in a cubicle being miserable or not enjoying Mondays. Everyday I wake up, I may not feel like I’m on a high but I don’t hate any day I get now and I’m not even living the life I’ve dreamed yet. This breakaway of thought took me years to address, but now that I’ve found my peace I refuse to be stuffed back in the box.

My world was made small because I allowed others to “think” for me. I’ve learned that it’s okay to respect other people’s thoughts and feelings without actually accepting them as your own. Sometimes you have to remember the same love and attention you decide to give to others you have to first start with giving it to yourself. Of course there will be some that honestly won’t be successful (either because they really don’t do the work or things just don’t work out), but learning lessons should never be seen as a fail. I’ve gotten to the point that I’m ready to be the person living the life versus watching on the sidelines.

Has anyone ever put you in a box or have you done that to yourself?

deann Tue, 03/02/2021 - 20:36

emotional intelligence

Comment

Faith over fears

March 02, 2021

Great read! I have decided to live fearless. That does not mean I am not afraid, scared, or I don’t have fears. It means I will do it afraid!

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Transitioning from working to staying at home

deann — Fri, 10 Apr 2020 17:59:35 +0000

Transitioning from working to staying at home

Initially, transitioning from being a working mom to staying at home was difficult. I wasn't used to not having "adult talk time" or some task to focus on that took the pressure off being a parent for a moment. Being at home and having a little person following your every move was very frustrating and I didn't enjoy it, but I also knew that once we relocated halfway across the country from family that I had to put on my big girl panties. My situation isn't isolated and I've talked with several friends that tried the stay at home life and just said they were too bored and couldn't do it. I've had many people ask me how I manage and these are the five basics that have changed my tune and I openly admit I have no desire to go back to work.

I decided I was going to enjoy it and be happy- The overall sentiment is simple, but many people don't choose to exert their ability to control how they feel. You get to determine your perspective on being a stay at home mom. If you decide to look at every negative aspect, you'll quickly begin to hate it and regret being at home. Is it tough? Heck yeah, but so is being a full-time working parent.
I do the things I said I would- When I worked I remember daydreaming about all the things I'd do if I ever was able to stay at home. Based on the conversations I've had with others that have tried the stay at home role but went back to work, ti seems most of them never did the things that excited them during that time. Yes the children are a priority, but that doesn't mean you forsake your own wants, needs, and desires. Anything you want to do you make/find time to do it and refuse to accept your own excuses. Excuses will keep you stagnant and eventually you'll end up resentful because all you do is cook and clean.
I maximize my productivity- I find ways to complete multiple tasks at the same time. Personal development is very important to me, but sometimes I get too busy or just forget to turn it on. I've made it a habit that while I'm cleaning the bathrooms, folding clothes, vacuuming, or anything that doesn't require too much thought I just pop on my headphones and get the encouragement I need to become the best version of myself. It makes washing dishes a little easier (I hate washing dishes). I've recognized that since laundry is a pretty simple task, I start that early in the morning and while it's going I get bills completed/paid, make phone calls, figure out dinner, and daily day prep. This typically takes a short period of time and gets several things accomplished. The old work saying still applies...work smarter not harder.
I view this as my job and plan accordingly- During my working days, I always had to have an agenda to stay on task and keep reminders of things that needed to be addressed. Over the past month, I've revamped home life in the same manner. I plan on a weekly basis and I make certain to divide up all the household chores over the course of a 5 day period allowing myself one free day of no chores. Prior to this, I constantly overworked myself and was so unhappy. While I usually will end the day with touch-ups here and there with cleaning, I have no intentions going back to trying to clean the entire house in a day again. Also, if the things in #2 are really important to you they should be included in your agenda. Knocking off my list is too important to allow myself to become slack so I've become quite efficient at getting work done.
I mind my business and ignore things that aren't- My faith, my family, and my circle are some of the most important things to me. Even within that group, my household will not take a backseat for all of that other stuff. My husband and I extensively discussed what we desired for our family and we made the necessary choices. I've had some family not agree with me being a stay at home mom especially considering I have a Master's degree. While my feelings were hurt, I recognized that it's not my business to care what others think and since there hasn't been an offer to cover any of our bills we keep doing what's best for our house. Everyone has an opinion and it's okay to respect that fact. Yet, you don't have to accept it as your own. I have to live my life everyday and experience any consequences of the choices I make.

deann Fri, 04/10/2020 - 17:59

Stay at home mom

Transitioning from working to staying at home

Lifestyle

emotional intelligence

Comment

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Аналитические данные от врачей и экспертов о ковиде, на авторитетном интернет-издании Коронавирус-Контроль со ссылками на официальные и государственные источники ВОЗ - https://coronavirus-control.ru/news/
Эта информация для меня оказалась крайне полезна, добавила в закладки.

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