relationships

Talk About it Tuesday

deann — Tue, 23 Mar 2021 01:18:44 +0000

Talk About it Tuesday

What You’re Really Owed: Nothing

Last week I had different friends posting about various topics and one posted about apology language (a spin off of the 5 Love Languages) and another posted something polar opposite in regards to you not being able to tell anyone how to love you, but allowing them to show you their level of ability and you deciding if you want to participate or not. Both of these got me into my head for a while and I just wanted to share some of those thoughts.

One of the things that I’ve heard every since I was younger that the world owed me nothing and anything I wanted I needed to work for. It’s so interesting that this is something that was pushed very hard, but emotions seemed to be one of those things that was never considered. Being young, I used to believe in the idea of reciprocity (and I still do to a certain extent) but there’s definitely a limit on this. We gladly share the golden rule and there’s almost a level of expectation that you’ll get back the same respect and courtesy you give. Unfortunately life and people teach us differently and we alter our perceptions. While some become cynical and feel as though the other person determines the types of interactions they’ll have, many people just learned to create boundaries and separate tolerable from toxic. I’m in the second group for sure. We get to choose who we allow to be in our lives regardless of the level of the relationship. I realized that regardless of how much I try to demonstrate love and kindness, I can’t make someone give me that in return. I have matured enough to recognize that regardless of how anyone acts towards me, I don’t have to return that same energy because I get to control my responses and my feelings. (I’m aware that not everyone is at this point, but emotional intelligence is just one of those things you have to research and learn in order to just be a better person period). I am responsible for every seed I sow into the ground and I should expect a harvest back from those seeds. I choose to avoid negativity and toxicity because I choose me over people. Sounds selfish, but I’ll be that if that means I can maintain my peace.

I absolutely have come to the realization that no one owes me anything even a relationship. My life has become so simple now that I accept what people are willing to give and create boundaries based on what I’m willing to accept. As Lauryn Hill sang, it could all be so simple..but you’d rather make it hard. Choosing to allow others to be their “authentic self” while staying true to you is the easiest choice. While I’m not as close to people who really mean a lot to me (and no I don’t really do the whole cutting off thing...we can be acquaintances beyond social media without being besties), I have an amazing circle that is super supportive and I know they won’t flake on me. I will appreciate every ounce of those that are present without faulting the ones who failed me because of ...?!? Let’s stop making people feel bad because maybe they aren’t as emotionally intelligent or mature as us. We’ve all had moments where we didn’t put our best foot forward. Just remember, you have to live with the decisions you make. I’d love to know your thoughts on this subject specifically regarding relationships and reciprocity.

deann Tue, 03/23/2021 - 01:18

relationships

emotional intelligence

Accountability

Boundaries

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How Are We Going to Change This?

deann — Mon, 01 Jun 2020 19:28:07 +0000

How Are We Going to Change This?

The first step to change anything is acceptance/admittance. We have to accept and more importantly admit that we are in a space and time that's not safe for Black people in a country that states it is founded on "liberty and justice for all". Those words should have significance, but they are just mere words because actions aren't in alignment. Trust is a reciprocal expectation and for the longest time Black people have been getting the short end of the stick in our relationship with America. I'm hoping that things I'm having to face won't be the same struggles my children face, so I'm going to use my voice and be as loud as I can. Someone has to create a space for conversation. There has to be a safe place for people to be educated, learn, and grow from one another so we can create a thriving society. I have no idea who will even see this, but I refuse not to try and start a conversation.

In the past few years, they're been a few incidents that stick out greatly to me in regards to outrage from the White community:

- When the ordeal involving Michael Vick surfaced in regards to his involvement in a dog fighting ring.

- When Colin Kaepernick took a knee during the anthem in silent protest for the poor treatment of Black people at the hands of police.

- Folks being frustrated with local governments not moving fast enough to open back up "their" cities amid the pandemic. Protests with guns and a stance of listen to me or there'll be trouble.

So many posts and thoughts about all of this and it was insane how horrible people were especially during the first two. I gladly cleaned out my friend lists because if that's what you thought of Black men (and how much more important the flag was than the real issue), you were letting me know what you really think of me. How did I come to that conclusion? Who helped create me...yep, a Black man so that's apart of me. If I haven't learned anything in life, it's allow people to be who they are and I have to determine if I can live with that or cut ties. Listening and looking have been so helpful during these past few years.

With that being said, let's look at some recent events that there hasn't been much outrage outside of the Black community about:

- White people continuing to misuse 911 on Black people *especially those lying and making up crimes that never took place..the fact that this happened again last week is nuts to me. I really wish a law could be established to make this act criminal because history has shown us (Emmett Till- if you don't know the story please go and research it) the negative consequences.

- Watching a Black news reporter being arrested on live television in spite of showing his credentials and then having a police spokesperson stating that they needed to verify his identity in response to the outrage. Compliance is such a farce and no matter how educated you are, SES, or anything else as long as you're Black safety isn't guaranteed.

The George Floyd incident is completely about being human. I don't care about your race, religion, gender, etc. because no one should be murdered on a public street by someone sworn to serve and protect or anyone else for that matter. If you haven't already, go and watch the video. It's not easy and I can admit I didn't watch the entire thing. I saw enough to know that there's no excuse for excuses anymore.While I'm not for violence and looting (which the majority of the protestors are NOT taking part in), I can completely understand the frustrations and anger. Why should anyone have to accept this is just apart of your normal experience. This IS NOT okay. We all have a responsibility to make sure that this doesn't happen again to anyone else. As individuals we have to develop meaningful relationships with people that don't look like us and broaden our world and this will result in us being able to handle each other more appropriately. Not all anything/body is bad and preconceived notions and/or beliefs need to be set aside so we don't keep going through this cycle of incident, uproar, forget, repeat.

I'm AMERICAN....I was born and raised in South Carolina. But America, I'm tired! I hate when my husband leaves because I have to consider that even though he's an upstanding tax paying citizen, he's a Black man. Let's really figure this out and have the hard conversations. As much as I'm willing to share, I'm willing to listen and I hope that so are others because there's so much work to be done. Let's not act as if this isn't happening or because it's not someone we know we don't have to take action. White people you are needed during this time and your voice has to be just as or even louder about no longer accepting injustices to anyone anywhere. If all lives matter, it should be easy to say Black Lives Matter!

deann Mon, 06/01/2020 - 19:28

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2020 School Year: I Miss You!

sensei — Sat, 09 May 2020 20:24:35 +0000

2020 School Year: I Miss You!

While I'm almost certain no one could predict this is what the school year would have turned into, it hasn't all been terrible. I am not the easiest or nicest teacher (based on my girls' moaning when I do schoolwork with them), but I absolutely love all the time I've been able to spend with them. One of my biggest regrets as a mom is not being able to give my older two the same amount of time their younger sister gets. I worked and many times work ended up coming home or I was completely exhausted and just wanted to get through dinner and bath time so I was able to relax and get in the bed. Thankfully, all that has changed now that I'm a stay at home mom. Recently, I started getting several emails from the school about the process for returning all school items, I got teary eyed. There's so many things I am disappointed that I won't get to experience again and here's just a few:

- Carline: Yeah, I know what you're thinking. I'm crazy because it's the worst, and truthfully it isn't the most pleasant activity that was on my agenda. One of the reasons I enjoyed it was because my ex-neighbor from across the street and I would catch up if we happened to be parked close to one another. Also, this was my daily uninterrupted reading time. I usually was able to go earlier and would have nearly and hour to get in some good reading. I didn't waste my time and that's apart of the reason I was able to read nearly 10-15 books a month.

- Volunteering: That was probably one of the most enjoyable things I was able to do. I was able to make connections and meet some wonderful moms as well as get some face-to-face contact with my daughters' teachers on a consistent basis. My youngest also had the chance to hang around other children close to her age. There was lots of playing and other activities provided that kept her entertained while I worked.

- Staff: I've had the pleasure to work with several different school staff members at every level and while I'm not disillusioned, most of the people I encountered were so nice (and not the forced smiley, nice kind of way) and appeared to be people that loved what they do. I got to throw a few college football jabs with one of the assistant principals, smiles and jokes with random workers as we passed one another, and a host of other things that made being in the school a great experience. We were always made to feel like family and it happened immediately when enrolled in 2017. We loved the staff/school so much that we chose not to transfer when we moved into our new home.

-Kids: I know that what we see on social media isn't mostly of kids being great, but the kids I ran into were super sweet, polite, and always made my youngest feel like the cutest kid in the world. I was completely amazed at the conversations some of the young guys would have while at the book fair based around their excitement about another book in a series they were reading. My heart was full knowing that in spite of what the television or other forms of media portrayed, I was able to see something completely different because I took the time to go into the school and be present. There's so much insight that can be provided about kids and their young minds simply by going into a school building during the day and just observing.

-Planned activities: Our school did a great job at planning monthly activities that were fun for the entire family. Whether it was a science night or a fun run, everything was planned out really well and we got to be beneficiaries. I can admit this was a little different than what we had previously been exposed to in South Carolina, but it was a welcomed change. It also was rewarding to find out that high school seniors were able to get needed service hours by serving as volunteers at these events.

These are only a few high points of the great school my children attend. I'm sure I'm not the only person that misses the classrooms or the teachers...so tell me what do you miss the most (aside from some quiet time while the kids are gone)?

sensei Sat, 05/09/2020 - 20:24

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