Talk About it Tuesdays

The Truth About Having a Good Man

So, this may not be something everyone agrees with me on. I understand this, but after 11 years of marriage to an amazing man I feel that there are just some things that need to be shared. When I was single, there were so many things that I thought would happen when I got married. My imagination hyped me up in believing things that weren’t necessarily truths. Here’s 5 things I’ve learned that could help in relationships staying together versus ending:

1. A hard working man, may not have a lot of “time”- This is something that is a slippery slope for sure. In previous relationships, I’ve had someone not have time for me because he was giving it to someone else while in another I didn’t get time because I wasn’t that important. This created issues for me because I became insecure and needed time to reassure me of my importance. I’ve worked through that and now give him the needed space to accomplish his goals, while sending gentle reminders if I’m feeling a little neglected. It is easy to say you want a man that works hard and makes money, but can you handle the trade off? Time is limited when working!!! My husband is one of the hardest working people I have ever met. He has a hustle spirit and that extends well beyond normal working hours. You have to find someone that is willing to acknowledge you as a priority without forsaking responsibilities. Now that we’ve improved our level of communication, we’ve become more aware of each other’s needs, wants, and desires and are willing to compromise where needed in order to avoid conflict. It is a balancing act and there needs to be clear boundaries established early to avoid unmet expectations. 

2.You may get what you want, but on a different timeline- If I’m asking for something to be done, I usually desire for it to be completed in a timely fashion (within 10-15 mins of me asking). Unfortunately, that is not always the case when dealing with my husband. I cannot understand why this is the case, but I’ve adjusted the things I ask for according to level of importance. If it is urgent I will address it myself or complete as much as I can without aid. Most things I’ve learned how to accomplish independently of him because of this very fact, but there’s still a few times that I have to light a fire under him to get him to do something I need. I’ll be honest, this has been an area of contention for us because of his willingness to help others often and sometimes putting their requests in motion before completing something I’ve stressed needed addressing possibly weeks prior. Once again, communication is key. Be willing to have an adult conversation about needs and expectations without throwing daggers at past failures or making demands/ultimatums (Yes, I’m speaking from experience here). Address concerns and try to find some common ground to keep moving forward. 

3. He’s good, but not PERFECT- I’m well aware I didn’t marry a perfect person, but sometimes it’s easy to forget how much of an impact upbringing has on a person. While our familial backgrounds on the surface appeared the same, they were very different. Also, when we got married the level of involvement his parents had in his life was much different than that of my father’s in mine. We have done a lot of growing, and we still have a ton more to go. The one thing that has held us together is grace. While growing and discovering together, bumps in the road should be expected. Be willing to be a teammate and know that sometimes you have to be the stronger one. (Note- don’t put expectations on anyone else that you aren’t willing to apply to yourself).

4. He has feelings too- I try not to make anything one shoe fits all, but this is an area that I don’t get a ton of feedback in. It’s not complete silence, but rarely do I get the total picture of how he feels about something. Sometimes I have to force myself to consider how he might feel. I’ll be honest and share that this is an area I could improve in. I’ve taken ownership of how I feel and making certain that I’m improving my self awareness, but sometimes I’m so busy working I forget to “read the room”. If you can’t tell, communication is a variable in each of this and this is no different. He has become a little more vocal about what he needs from me and we’ve been able to discuss what each of us can do better to ensure this happens.

5. He can make you uncomfortable (in a good way)- I have never been loved like this. Initially it was almost overwhelming that someone would really love me that much and it caused me to push away. I’ve grown past that, but sometimes the insecurities try to creep up on me. Because he’s a pusher, he’s put me in some corners that required me to be honest with myself and it wasn’t always pretty. I’ve had to be honest with myself about my self image, my self limiting beliefs, and a host of other things. There were so many times that he would say “don’t talk about my wife like that” to me and it would frustrate me. I am forever grateful for someone that believes in me as much as he does. He’s part of the reason I’ve grown into the person I am today. I could have chosen to be mad and walk away, but the rewards I’ve gotten by growing far outweigh the frustrations and disappointments. 

I know having a good man isn’t a topic really explored in depth, but what’s something you’ve discovered in your relationship?