What’s the Word Wednesday

Subject: Things I Often Regret…

As I approach 40 (well, any birthday for that matter), I’ve been doing a lot of thinking in regards to my life as a whole. I consider my past, present, and future as well as what I need to do in order to hit personal goals I’ve set for myself. With that being said, I often find myself thinking of “what ifs” as well as “so glad I made it through that”. If I’m being honest, the what ifs usually produces regret.

Here’s just a few of the things that have recently come up:

1. While I had absolutely no control over the death of my mother, I regret that she was never able to meet my husband. I think back to the last relationship I was in prior to her death and it honestly makes me sad. I’m almost certain that her cold demeanor was based on her concern of me marrying a man that was not in a place to represent the Godly husband she desired for me to have. Heck…now that I look back I can say that he wasn’t. But when you’re in the thick of things, seeing the whole picture is not always an easy thing and I’m a lot more emotionally intelligent and mature now. Aside from the relationship aspect, she was never able to meet my children. I know the impact she had on my nephew’s life and I wanted that same thing for my girls. Even though that’s not possible, we’ve been beyond blessed to have people step into our lives and love on our children beyond our wildest dreams. 
2. I wasted way too much time thinking of what’s next versus living in the moment and that ultimately made me miss life. Back while I was working, trying to juggle motherhood, co-leading in music ministry, and still being somewhat social, I had an extreme sense of being overwhelmed. I clearly remember daydreaming about the life I have now, but I missed so many moments back then. I didn’t go out when I probably could have pushed through and went, I didn’t know when to say no so I could stop feeling so exhausted, and I certainly didn’t attempt to find the good in each day so life could have been more endurable and enjoyable. I just went day to day existing and not living. I can’t explain how much guilt I have experienced in regards to my kids and the lack of energy I put into quality time with them when they were younger. Now that I’ve gotten that chance with the youngest (and I still struggle sometimes because she never stops talking..LOL), I realize now how many small moments I missed that I can’t get back. I am making an effort to have genuine relationships with each of the girls so they feel connected and want to share with me. 
3. Even though I was a therapist and I knew best practices in regards to life improvement, I didn’t practice many of the things I taught. The things I chose to practice proved that working the principles made improvements, but by that time I had developed many bad habits and I still hadn’t worked on the mental aspect so that the changes were more permanent. I had way to many negative thinking filters to rid myself of. Now that I’ve done the hard work, I have started focusing more on the mental aspect than just my behaviors. I’m continually looking for thoughts that still linger around that I need to be rid of so I can really live my best life.
4. Not being firmer with my boundaries. Relationships have always meant so much to me. Because of that, I’d allow myself to bend to the will of others even crossing over my feelings to make someone happy. Most of my life I didn’t have a grasp on Deann because I was so busy trying to make things work with someone else. Now that I’m older and wiser I recognize that someone else’s happiness is NOT my responsibility. While this has definitely ruffled the feathers of a few folks that I allowed to get way too deep and too far, I like and respect the me I’m becoming. I am still getting to know me, but I refuse to change me to be in a relationship with anyone.

I know this isn’t an area of life most people share, but what are some of your regrets?