Why I Disappear

Aug 19, 2020 in
Come out of hiding

The truth is.....I'm enjoying just being present. I have worked my hardest to not be in the room with my family and preoccupied with my phone, tablet, or my computer. I want them to know that I value them and even if I don't get it in return. Of course that's not all I've been doing. Like so many other people, I'm in a weird space. Mine isn't a negative space, but definitely a growing one. I spend a lot of time working on mental and personal development because otherwise I would be overwhelmed with life. Sometimes I feel as a wife and mother there's just too many demands on me and I end up neglecting the things that mean something to me (including this blog). Those feelings, if not dealt with appropriately, build up into resentment and eventually turn into anger. What I've been able to address while away is the need for the kids to begin practicing more autonomy, being better stewards of things they've been provided, as well as basic cleaning skills that should already in practice. Aside from them, I've been working on how I handle my marriage. While many people like to live in fairytales, I'm very realistic. I absolutely love my husband and he doesn't have to worry about me going anywhere (and not just because I'm blessed to be a stay at home mom), but because I genuinely believe that God made him just for me. When I think about past relationships, that's enough to pull be back in align with some of the thoughts that swirl around in my head when I've had to say the same thing for the 100th time or I've asked for something to be done and the two week mark comes and it's still not done. I'm learning to control my thoughts which ultimately reflects in what I say when I finally address the issue. Please know this is work in progress because I still have a slick tongue and a mean side eye. I value my relationship with my husband and our marriage so I'm willing to put in the work and make sure I'm the best version of Deann that I can be. I'm growing physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally and that process has really put a stumbling block in my ability to be creative and write pieces that are authentic to me, share my journey, and stay consistent. I didn't start this just to do it because I was bored, but more out of place that I felt it was necessary to share experiences from the point of view of a reformed working mom trying to find her place in the stay at home world that still provided me the opportunity to work towards fulfilling my purpose in life. Some days I'm on top of life and handling things like a G and then other days I'm like you know....as long as we all make it alive and are fed I'll take it. The truth of the matter is that I refuse to believe that just enough is okay and I'm trying to get back in my groove of planning, preparing, and producing and it's tough once you fall off the wagon. So please give me a little grace in this transition period since I'm still in the "figure it out" phase and feel free to send me words of encouragement.

If you follow my IG then you'll know that the only thing I consistently post right now is my post workout pics of me and the hubby. Since school has started and we should be in a better routine after about two weeks, I've promised myself to be more diligent with this blog. As the saying goes there's nothing to it but to do it so I'm all in and betting on me this time. What's been your hang up over this quarantine? Know that this isn't the time to allow yourself to crawl in a shell without some form of development taking place so when you come back out you're a better version of you. Take one day at a time and remember you're only able to offer what you have so continue to give to you while giving to others.

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